you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
