I hate your face
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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