The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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