I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
