He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
