I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Randomize
