Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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