you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
