her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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