My boss' voice literally gives me gas
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
