I can tuck mytits in my pants
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
