then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
