Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
