Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize