too bad you live with your parents still
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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