im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
