We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
