so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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