pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
