i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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