It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
