If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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