Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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