I CAN MOONWALK!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
