What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
