I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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