you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
