Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
