Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
