Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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