so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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