Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
