I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
