she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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