my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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