I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
