dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
