the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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