There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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