I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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