Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
