woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you had me at cake vodka
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
