Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
