hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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