i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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