would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
