stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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