Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
