Where did you get a picture of my penis
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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