My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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