you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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