I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
