i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
