we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why did my mother make you get naked?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
