yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
