I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
