I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
